The First Step

The journey of a million miles begins with one step....they say. So is this mine? Getting in touch with myself, that is my first step. Listening to that voice in my head that i keep shutting out. I am so very fucking tired of living my life as i do.

There are so many things i need to get right and of course there are so many things to tackle that I don't even know where to start. I try to break it up into 3 things: Mind, Body and Soul. All are out of whack right now and until i start somewhere i'm gonna keep going nowhere. right now i'm trying to talk up what's good in my life and its hard to find what REALLY feels like good to me. All the negativity keeps rearing its head and taking over my mind. so maybe i should start with the negatives.

I am:

lazy overweight

in debt

a bad money manager

a bad relative

easily distracted

a procrastinator

forgetful

detached

numb

broke

sloppy

bad personal hygiene

bad personal fashion

poor body image

poor spending

A SMOKER

A POT ADDICT

addicted to crap television

addicted to playing games on my phone

What I want to be:

a NON SMOKER

more active ( in anything but in particular, physically)

less distracted

more focused on my career

less obsessed with games and television and my PHONE

DRUG FREE

a better dresser

Things I am good at:

paying attention to my schoolwork

a good friend when i want to be

pay my own bills and take care of myself

send money to my daughter

very intelligent

I don't ask for much in life. I have simple wants and needs and mostly inexpenive.  More than anything I want a clear head and a positive day.

My perfect day would be something like this:

Wake up, make coffee, watch news, wash face, brush teeth, make food for day, get ready for and go to work.

Come home, shower and change, straighten up, take care of any paperwork, personal calls, make dinner and prepare for next day.

What my day is really like:

Wake up, have coffee, cigarette, smoke some pot, sit around until as late as possible watching new/last nights dvr/play on phone until i race around the kitchen making only coffee for later. go to work, spend unnecessary money on lunch/coffee/snacks.

Go home, MAYBE (but probably not) shower, change clothes and sit in my chair chain smoking cigarettes/pot while watching nothing on tv while playing some game or other nonsense on my phone.

Ideally, I wouldn't spend any unnecessary money. No frivolous spending. No compulsive shopping or buying however minimal. I would write more, and keep lists perhaps of my daily chores and or productivity. I want to be accountable for my actions and not handle things once they've been ignored long enough into forced action. I want to be a productive every single day. I want to make better choices and have positive. outlook on my day and overall life.

I want to be able to feel confident in my appearance, physically and professionally. I am a very attractive woman but i feel anything but. I feel black inside, with no joy and no hope to being really happy.

How can I meet my future love if i hate myself so much. But I wallow in that hate and keep simmering in it. I do absolutely nothing whatsoever to make my life better.  I just live. I just function. I do just enough to survive normally.

But its all for nothing because thats how i feel. Like nothing. But i know that what i want to be since inst necessarily so fucking hard to achieve. If I actually just took the time to put my phone down, and shut my tv off I might actually be able to think clearly and try to make better decisions.

SO, here I am, sitting in Starbucks with my netbook out, looking totally normal and Starbuckian American writing all the things to i say to myself everyday. But when the hell do i make that first step. Wait, writing this was my first step!  My next is what?  I guess i could start with some lists of very  important things to do TO get started. or a list of things i want to accomplish. Daily, monthly, yearly and further long term.

Who do i want to be in a year? five years? Ten? And how will i get there?

I guess a brave step was a few weeks ago when i quit my very secure job. I finally challenged myself to make a difficult decision instead of going for the easy way out. While my new job sucks, I don't regret my decision at all.  Besides wanting to enhance learning my trade, i really wanted to get away from that scene.

I wanted to get away from all the mistakes i made, trying to be what I thought my crew wanted me to be and in the end it turned out to be everything I didn't want to be there.  

Just looking back on my writing i can see how distracting my mind is.  Thought all over the place. a jumbled mess trying to make some sense.

I know that I could probably benefit from some medication,. Maybe focus my mind a little. help me sort through some things.

I need therapy in general!  But thats one of THOSE steps. A step i know would take just 5 minutes to sort out but i never do. All i have to do is find one and make a call. its that simple. But i just keep putting it off or ignoring it.

After all, I can’t do anything until i try to get 3 stars on level 2-2 in Angry Birds Seasons! That's what's important! Its so twisted but ultimately that’s how i act.

This morning for example, i got up early and just stayed in bed for 2 hours playing Angry Birds when I should have been cleaning my room and taking care of things that needed taking care of.

But its so much easier doing something that doesn’t require effort or thinking. I can just zone out on my phone for hours ignoring every other fucking important thing that need to get done.

This is where I'll stop for now. Because I can go on and on and on about all the things i hate about myself.  

I guess now I’ll see what I can do about making some changes. I have no motivation tho. I mean the prospect of a better life of course is THE motivation, but in general i never have  any motivation to do ANYTHING that i really need to do.

Maybe I should make a commitment to myself to write everyday so i can face all the things I did or probably didn't do to be a better and more productive person.

And in between maybe do some personal writing.  We’ll see I guess.

Keep the music on,

the TV off, and the thoughts positive!